“I’ve had enough, now I want my share”
December 21st, 2016 @ 5:59 pm

What about me? It isn’t fair
I’ve had enough, now I want my share
Can’t you see, I want to live
But you just take more than you give

There is only so much give I can take before I want my take in return. Right now, I’m in that mood. It feel like all I do is give and get nothing to shit in return.

Everyone wants to tell me I shouldn’t give if I wasn’t fine with getting nothing in return.  Well, it was an exchange, not a give that I signed up for.  And what does exchange mean:

The act of giving or taking one thing in return for another

So yes, what I am upset about may sound petty, it not the object that I am mad about. It’s the fact that I just wanted a take for now and feel like I was robbed. It’s not the object, but what it represents to me in an overall capacity. I will still give, but what’s wrong with wanting a little something in return in an exchange?

As for those putting me down for my feelings, telling me not to give if I wanted something in return, I don’t think you have all the facts and don’t understand what it meant to me.  I just wanted someone else for once, that wasn’t of my same group of support, to take 5-10 minutes out of their day to think of me. I got the 5 minutes alright.  5 minutes of last ditch effort.

Here’s the thing, I am trying really hard NOT to be bitter, but I can’t help it the more I think about it. I am trying to be forgiving, but it’s hard. I don’t like being a Grinch about it at this time of year, but why shouldn’t I want something? Am I not worthy? I’ve spent all my life feeling like I’m not worthy of anything.  I’m trying to believe that I really am worthy.

It’s not the small object, but the bigger picture in play here for me.

I think overall, this is probably why I stay single and buy what I want when I want it.  I don’t feel like I can find a person to give me what I need. I don’t seem to know what to give in return.  I’ll never be the girl that gets flowers or some surprise in the mail. And it hurts when you realize it.

Thought I might feel sad at this time, I will still do the Mysterious Santa I strive to do when I can. I can still try to give love even if I may never get it in return.

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