“Candle in the water – Drifting helplessly”
May 30th, 2016 @ 11:14 am

Memorial Day is a day of remembering the men and women who died as members of the U.S. Armed Forces.  Today, for me, it’s just a day to reflect on the death I’ve just encountered in the past 2 weeks.

We buried my cousin Melissa today.

I am SO sick of death. It started with C.C. being sick.  Before we had the chance to put him down, Nancy called me to tell me she had to place her beloved dog Bastian down.  The day we put C.C. down, we got the terrible news that my cousin Melissa was on the brink of death.  She died the next day.

My family made a convoy to Nashville for the funeral and to be with the family. My dad and I were on the way when we got the call. My sisters and my brother-in-law showed up the day after we did.  My brother couldn’t come until the morning of the remembrance, which was the day before the actual funeral.

While in Nashville, I got to meet new family members and saw little India for about an hour.  India was so happy to see me.  I wasn’t sure if she would remember me, but she did. One of the few bright spots of the trip; the other was taking Nicki, Beth, and Ben to The Loveless Cafe.

Towards the end of the remembrance, I broke down crying. My father and my cousin Michael, Melissa’s brother, had to check on me because I was sobbing. I was thinking of how I wanted to be just like Melissa.  I was thinking of ways I did become like Melissa.  I was also sobbing for if I had just know some things about her, if she had just been a little more open, could I have been able to stop her from dying. Fear of what’s happening to me, being single at this age and fear of always being single. I was crying for both of us.

Yesterday, as I was coming home from the grocery store, I heard “Where Does My Heart Beat Now.” I wanted to lose it in the car. I just felt so alone.  My sobfest from a few days ago hit me again.  I have a fear of being alone one day.

However, the Grim Reaper couldn’t leave me alone yesterday, either.  I found out one of my mother’s cousins lost her husband yesterday. I got the call within the hour it happened in an attempt to get my uncle to know what’s going on.  The cousin and my uncle live in the same town in Missouri. I met the cousin and her husband when I went to Missouri last year. They were cool.

On this Memorial Day, I’m just tired of death.  I’m just tired and afraid.

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