Stupid School Dreams
Posted on September 22nd, 2015 @ 8:33 am

I had one of those dreams about school again.  Those ones that leave me puzzled.

My dream had several components.  Once, I was back in 6th grade again.  The teachers, trying to make a point to the school administration, decided to place me into the English ACE course.  This thrilled me, because my 6th grade crush was in that class.  Then elation turned to defeat when I realized that to place me into the class, my dearest, sweet Phillip, was the student I was swapping out with.

Later on, I’m in college. I was stuck taking an English class taught by my wicked 10th/12th grade English teacher.  If you haven’t noticed by now, English class was one I had trouble with in required schooling. I forgot to drop the class and never attended the class. I knew I was going to fail it.  This part is funny considering I did quite well in English class in college and worked at my school’s Writing Center.

Then, part of the college caught on fire and soaked, causing all the rest of the classes to be cancelled.  I was staying in a hotel room adjacent to school. My clothes were saved,but since this happen, I wasn’t able to get my pants and I was only in underwear.  My Catholic school started a Mass in the gym, where my clothes were at, and I had to suffer in the Mass in only my underwear.

If anyone can interpret this dream, I’d appreciate it dearly.  It just let me in a daze of “WTF?.”

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Goodbye, sweet baby Meroko.
Posted on September 19th, 2015 @ 2:02 pm

Meroko on the washer

Sadly, last night, we lost a fur baby. Graysie’s sister, Meroko, died at my father’s side. We weren’t expecting it, but it happened. My dad did what he could to save her. Nicki lost it and couldn’t even see her corpse. Matthew feels like he’s to blame because he just washed her earlier in the evening and she freaked out. He had left her at my house to improve her skin condition. Meroko was 12 years old.

She lived with my brother. She didn’t like to live at my house because of Scooter. She was terrified of Scooter and lived most of her life hidden as a result. It took her a few weeks earlier this year when she stayed over to realize Scooter had died. She was usually happy being in my dad’s room when at the my house. However, she was happiest at my dad’s house, where she was with Matthew and Jessica. She also loved my dad, too. She loved Nicki, but we kept her in the location she was happiest. Besides, she’d get mad at Nicki at times and wasn’t afraid to voice her displeasure on Nicki.

My dad said her death was quick and I’m grateful she wasn’t alone. She was with a person that loved her dearly.  We took her to the vet’s office as soon as we could this morning to cremate her and bring her home.

I loved her, too.  I always tried to be nice to her.  I remember she was so happy to get out of the cat carrier she and Graysie were in when we acquired them.

I know when she died she was greeted by my mother at the Rainbow Bridge.  My mother had a soft spot for her.  As for this photo, this is my favorite one of her. She seems so happy in it.

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Family · Flickr Photos

Some people never leave your heart…
Posted on September 16th, 2015 @ 6:51 pm

And some times, you just wish you had your mother around to talk with.  I could use her right now.

I e-mailed an old college friend that has moved across county.  I asked has he ever felt like if since graduation, did he mess up his life.  We had a lengthy back and forth.

Overall, I feel like I have missed out on certain things in my life that I wanted.  However, Shannon, and in town friend has hope for me.  If only I could be so optimistic.  Instead, I’m a realist.

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Family · Geek · Life

The Soul Friend
Posted on September 7th, 2015 @ 10:10 pm

Find A Soul Friend

A soul friend is someone with whom we can share our greatest joys and deepest fears, confess our worst sins, and most persistent faults, clarify our highest hopes and perhaps most unarticulate dreams.

-Edward C. Sellner in Wisdom of the Celtic Saints.

GWSM Retreat 2006 journalNot all of my past was bad.  In fact, I had a lot of good stuff to enjoy growing up.  What I lacked in friendship and companionship later in life, I had supplemented by my family, especially my mother.

She allowed me to do things.  She encouraged me to do Girl Scouting, until I got to high school and it wasn’t worth the hassle, at least in my eyes. Sadly, if I had know my friend Tiffany, that I met in the later end of high school and spent some time with her at our Georgia Tech orientation, earlier when I moved to Savannah, I might not have stop doing Scouts.  The same if I had just known Adine from home room better. However, the anxiety and fear I suffered in high school was bad.  But, enough about that.  Over all, my mother encouraged me and had me do a lot of stuff.  From camping, traveling, and going to summer camp, my mother pushed me.

But, like they said on Battlestate Galactica once, “True, but parents have to die. It’s the only way children can come into their own.” This is an ugly truth I came to know after my mother died.

One of the first things I did after she died was attend the GWSM Retreat 2006.  I participated in my school’s Wesley Foundation.  Each year, we’d have a retreat to either St. Simons Island or Dahlonega, to one of the Methodist Church camps.  It would rotate each year.  2006 was in Dahlonega.  We had a fun time.

This picture is of a a journal I made during the retreat.  It has been floating around my dad’s house, full of dirt and the ink on some of the pages have bled over. I found it today and brought it home. But looking over this journal, I see someone that was broken just trying to get by.

On one page, I had the quote above.  I guess I pasted it in the journal because all I wanted was a soul friend for myself. My heart was broken.  Another page had a printout of my poem, Poem To The Lonely.

That’s not to say that it was all a book of loneliness.  I wrote the entire lyrics to “Dans un autre monde” as a kiss-off to someone. I made a collage representing me. I have a couple of sweet notes from Ashlee and Leslie, a few of my bunk mates from that trip.  I have a few tickets from play productions I saw in college.  Sadly, the ruined page is print out of my mother from a trip to the South Carolina Aquarium.  I still have that photo, so I can print it out later.

I’m glad I found it.  It’s given me some perspective on how far I’ve come.  Now, only if I could get some old hard drives to cooperate to allow me to access some old files of my mother’s. I only need them to work a few times.

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Family · Life

In trying to move on from my past, I revisited my past.
Posted on September 6th, 2015 @ 2:45 pm

“Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try”

I’ve been having this song on repeat since Friday.

HVJ Homecoming button

This weekend, I’ve found some items from high school and shared them with my high school classmates.  It’s been cathartic in nature.  I’ve got picture one said button from school.  I like to think my classmates are enjoying the photos.

While finding these trinkets from school, I found a birthday card from an ex-friend.  At first, I thought it was a card from my father.  Then, I saw the return address from another card stored with it and realized who gave me the card.  I gave it an smirk, read it, and then placed the cards back in the box it was stored in.

The other night, I went out to meet up with a friend and sang at karaoke.   She talked me into singing.  I sang “Just Like a Pill” by Pink.  Can’t you tell I’m on a Pink kick?  I had fun singing it.  The DJs had a little fun at me singing the word “bitch.”  I guess I got some bottled up emotions out with that one.

I’ve also been working on trying to recover old files on old hard drives again.  Anything I can recover, photo wise, from 2003-2005, prior to my mother’s death, will mean the world to me. That’s my project for the rest of the day.

I did take a photo on my parents, places it in a cheap IKEA frame, and decorated with a photo mat and some cupid stickers and gave it to my dad.  Also, worked on a simple fake flower project to see if I could do it.  Figured the next time my sister drinks, I’d acquire the empty liquor bottle and use it.

Oh yes je t’aime encore.

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Geek · Life

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”
Posted on September 4th, 2015 @ 9:03 pm

I saw something today that made me mad.  I wish I hadn’t see it, but what’s done is done.  After it made me mad, it made me sad and inadequate.  Was not my care, concern, and encouragement wrong?  Why wasn’t it good enough?  What was wrong with me?  And that’s what it boils down to being for me.  It’s something that makes me feel like my care, concern, and encouragement was wrong and not good enough.

But you know what?  I don’t think my encouragement was the problem.  It was the fact I tried to encourage someone that didn’t care at the time.  I should be happy for this person, but it’s not going to be today.

Also, I think the root of it all is I’m sick of being lonely. I wish I knew how to break out of my shell and hiding behind my keyboard and finally meet that person I’m meant to meet.  At least that’s what I tell myself.  Truth be told, I don’t think I’m meant to find that person.

Well, I am going to go out at least and try to have some fun tonight.  It’s a start.

Last night on the way home, I heard this song. I thought I’d just end this post with it.

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Life · Videos

Feeling Like You Can Never Win
Posted on September 2nd, 2015 @ 10:30 pm

You have permission to rest. You are not responsible for fixing everything that is broken. You do not have to try and make everyone happy. For now, take time for you. It's time to replenish.

Not that anyone really reads my blog, but at the moment, I’m feeling like I can never win. I seem to always hurt someone else feelings or not make enough money to pay all the bills.

Today, I had a panic attack during work.  I had a friend send me lyrics to a song.  As it is, I was feeling like crap I couldn’t get something to work at work.  My financial life playing craps at the moment and I feel like snake eyes is going to come up in the next roll.  Reading lyrics about a lonely woman waiting for Superman just got to me. Some days, I fear always being single and unloved and I didn’t want to think about it today.  I tried to keep quiet, but my dad heard me.  He asked what was wrong and all I said was I was having a panic attack.

Now, I am trying to better my life.  I really am.  I went to a birthday party on Monday night and had fun.  Ladies of all ages were there.  The theme was a tea party.  I am really glad I went because I met some wonderful people. With my last post of wondering what my talent is, I made use of my photography skills.  I took just snapshots with my point and shoot camera, but I shared them with the birthday girl.

I do try to get out more.  With trivia and now adding going to the gym to the mix, I’m trying hard not to be the wallflower I once was.

So for this long weekend, I am just going to stay home and work on my office.  I want to get it back into order.  Even my father remarked that getting it back into order will make me happier.  He said I seem happier when it is in order. As for that panic attack I had today, things calmed down once I talked out the problem with a co-worker and decided to take another approach once we found out we had a little extra time on the project.  And by the end of the day, I had one problem solved and fix in our production system.

The image in this post was send to me by Nancy.  She knows I’m under stress and was telling me to no worry about everything and everyone in my family.  So, if you have any advice on shaking off this losing feeling I’ve been suffering under, please let me know.

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